Friends

Learning how to make and maintain satisfying friendships is perhaps the single most important social challenge facing girls in middle school.

During the elementary school years, girls are apt to spend time with most of the other girls in their class; friendships are based primarily on proximity. By the time they reach middle school, however, girls' friendship groups are based more upon shared and mutually acceptable appearances and behaviors. Girls, who are often already uncomfortable with themselves, become even more self-conscious and may alter either their appearance, behavior, or both, to fit in with a certain group of friends. While many of these alterations may be harmless, others (such as drug and alcohol use, sexual activity, body piercing, tattooing, etc.) can have long term negative effects.

A major concern expressed by the girls involved in this project was their inability to trust their friends. Many reported that they did not feel comfortable confiding in their friends because they were afraid that the personal information they'd divulged would be shared with the school population at large. The girls also felt that sharing too much personal information, or asking friends for too much emotional support, would signal the end of the friendship.

They also worried about gossip (other girls spreading false, negative information about them and ruining their reputation), and physical fighting between girls.

Girls in middle school also grapple with the fact that as they change and develop, so do their friend, so often leading to a parting of the ways, sometimes causing girls to leave one group of friends for another.

While some girls felt that their friends were a source of support and encouragement, others warned against the effects of giving in to negative peer pressure.

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What Some of the Girls Said:

• Friends, it's hard to keep them happy, I guess. They like to gossip and it's bad. I have only one really good friend that I would actually say would meet the all-time definition of a friend and everyone else I guess they're just people that I hang out with.

• My best friend is a very big part of my life because she lives right across the street and we're a lot alike and we talk all the time. The kids at school aren't as big a part of my life, because I don't trust them and that's just kind of fair weather friends that are just school friends and I don't really relate with them out of school so they're not a very big part of my life.

• I worry about my friends and if I hurt their feelings or what I can do to make them happy or if we gonna have fun that night and friendships are really stressful.

• I think friends are a good thing. They can give you a lot of support. They can also be negative when you fight with them and they can be something bad.

• We fight a lot, I think. Like about big issues or small and not very many big issues. A lot of small ones.

• My friends were like an uplifting part. I feel like I take so much from them and they don't really take much from me. I kind of worry about that sometimes.

• Friends, they can turn their back on you, you never know. But you know your cousins, they're blood, they could turn their back on you but you could forgive them.

• Sometimes I just don't like it when people turn their back on you. I mean if we're gonna be friends, we should stay friends forever. And they shouldn't talk behind your back or do anything bad. They should just count on you, and you should be able to tell dreams and secrets to your friends.

• I trust them a lot, they trust me, they're really helpful, and we like to hang out and play around and whenever I have trouble, they help me with it.

• If your friends are bad, then you're gonna be bad.

• I'm just kind of friends with like all sorts of people. Like if somebody's a prep and I have friends that are preps. I know some people just stick around in groups or whatever and I don't really care too much about that. Whatever, I'm just part of like different groups of people.

• If you can't trust your friend, what kind of friend do you have?

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Beyond the Butterfly is co-produced by Wisconsin Public Television and NEWIST/CESA #7 (Northeastern Wisconsin In-School Telecommunications).